Intimate
Relationships
Rowland S.Miller
习读专用，不作商用，如侵联删。
C H A P T E R 14
Maintaining and Repairing Relationships
Maintaining and Enhancing Relationships
◆ Repairing Relationships ◆ In Conclusion
◆ For Your Consideration ◆ Chapter Summary
1
This is our last chapter, and we’re nearing the end of the book. So, it’s time to take stock. What do you know now that you didn’t know before we started? Only you know for sure, but here are some possibilities:
• The styles of behavior that are often expected of men—the styles that encourage them to be assertive and self-reliant but that do not encourage them to be warm and tender—do not train them to be very desirable part- ners in long-term intimate relationships.
• People with low self-esteem sometimes sabotage their own relationships by making mountains out of molehills and perceiving rejection where none exists.
• Proximity, familiarity, and convenience are influential in determining whether or not rewarding relationships ever begin. There may be lots of people with whom we could have wonderful relationships that we’ll sim- ply never meet.
• Looks matter, and if you’re not physically attractive, a lot of people will pass you by instead of wanting to get to know you.
• We don’t know or understand our romantic partners as well as we think we do; a lot of misperception persists even in successful relationships.
• People try hard to make good impressions on us when we’re getting to know them, but they put less effort into being polite, decorous, and delight- ful once we like or love them.
2
• Men generally do not do as well at nonverbal communication as women do, and deficiencies in nonverbal communication are correlated with dis- satisfaction in close relationships.
• More often than we realize, our partners do not receive the messages we intend to send when we talk with them.
• Bad is stronger than good, and the occasional sour or critical interactions we have with our partners are more influential than the nice things we do for them.
• Over the long haul, intimate relationships are much more costly than we usually expect them to be.
• Romantic, passionate love is one of the primary reasons we choose to marry, but it tends to decline over time.
• About one-third of us are not comfortable and relaxed with interdependent intimacy; we either worry that our partners don’t love us enough, or we are ill at ease when they get too close.
• Men tend to want more sex than women do, and frustration often results.
• Sooner or later, it’s likely that our partners will betray us in some manner that causes us hurt and pain.
• Conflict is unavoidable.
• Marriages are less happy, on average, than they used to be, and divorce is more common.
Yikes. That’s quite a list. And it’s just a sampling of the unfortunate facts we’ve encountered; several other influences, such as the personality traits of neuroti- cism and narcissism or the states of jealousy or loneliness create difficulties in close relationships, too.
3
Altogether, these patterns may paint a gloomy picture, and, indeed, the sur- prisingly low success rates of modern marriages suggest that many partnerships are not as wonderful as we hope they will be. On the other hand, there are also a lot of optimistic facts among the topics we’ve encountered. Here are a few:
• A lot of men, about one-third of them, are just as warm and tender and sensitive and kind as women routinely are. And those that aren’t can prob- ably learn to be warmer and more expressive than they are now.
• Happy lovers perceive their partners and explain their behavior in generous ways that give the partners the benefit of any doubt and portray them as kind and caring even when they occasionally misbehave.
• Most people seek and are comfortable in an interdependent and intimate relationship with a romantic partner.
• In happy relationships, when passion decreases, it is replaced by a deep, affec- tionate friendship that is rich, warm, and satisfying to those who experience it.
• Authentic forgiveness benefits both the recipient and the giver, and it is easi- est to attain in those close, satisfying relationships that are most worth saving.
• Perhaps most importantly, almost all of us can be more thoughtful, more charming, and more rewarding romantic partners if we try to be. Men do better at nonverbal communication when they are motivated to get it right. We can reduce or eliminate verbal misunderstandings when we take the time to check the accuracy of our interpretations. And with attentive effort, we can be more polite, less selfish, more considerate, and less critical toward our partners than we would otherwise be.
4
There are lots of reasons to hope that, with wisdom and work, we can live happily ever after. Indeed, I don’t think there’s any question that “knowledge is power”: With better understanding of close relationships, we are better equipped to prevent some problems and to readily overcome others. And the best news of all may be that when we’re committed to our partnerships, we engage in a variety of actions that help to protect and maintain the satisfaction we enjoy. Furthermore, if they occur, many problems can be fixed, and many wounds can be healed. When we encounter disappointments in our relation- ships, we are often able to fully surmount our difficulties if we wish.
In this concluding chapter, then, we’ll survey both the mechanisms with which partners protect and perpetuate their satisfaction and the interventions with which faltering contentment can be restored. Despite the hurdles that must be overcome, many relationships not only survive, they thrive.
5
14.1 MAINTAINING AND ENHANCING RELATIONSHIPS
I introduced the idea that people often behave in various ways that protect and maintain desirable relationships back in chapter 6 (on pages 209–210). Relationship maintenance mechanisms, the strategic actions people take to sustain their part- nerships, have been studied by researchers from two different scholarly camps. Social psychologists schooled in Caryl Rusbult’s investment model1 have identified several behaviors that follow from commitment to a relationship, and commu- nication scholars have noted other actions that distinguish happy partners from those who are less content. Let’s examine both sets of findings.
6
Staying Committed
People who are committed to a partnership, who want and expect it to continue, think and behave differently than less committed partners do (Leo et al., 2012). They perceive themselves, their partners, and their relationship in ways that help to sustain the partnership, and they act in ways that avoid or defuse conflict and that enrich the relationship.
7