Intimate

Relationships

Rowland S.Miller

习读专用，不作商用，如侵联删。

C H A P T E R 1 0

Stresses and Strains（II）

Perceived Relational Value ◆ Hurt Feelings ◆ Ostracism

◆ Jealousy ◆ Deception and Lying ◆ Betrayal ◆ Forgiveness

◆ For Your Consideration ◆ Chapter Summary

10.6 BETRAYAL

People don’t always do what we want or expect them to do. Some of the sur- prises our partners spring on us are pleasant ones (Afifi & Metts, 1998), but our partners occasionally do harmful things (or fail to do desirable things) that violate the expectations we hold for close confidants. Such acts are betrayals, disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reason- ably did not expect such treachery. Sexual and emotional infidelity and lying are common examples of betrayal, but any behavior that violates the norms of benevolence, loyalty, respect, and trustworthiness that support intimate rela- tionships may be considered treasonous to some degree. People who reveal secrets about their partners, gossip about them behind their backs, tease in hurtful ways, break important promises, fail to support their partners, spend too much time elsewhere, or simply abandon a relationship can be considered to have betrayed their partners (Fitness, 2012).

All of these actions involve painful drops in perceived relational value. When we are victimized by intimate partners, their betrayals demonstrate that they do not value their relationships with us as much as we had believed, or else, from our point of view, they would not have behaved as they did (Fitness, 2012). The sad irony is that for losses of relational value of this sort to occur, we must have (or think we have) a desired relationship that is injured; thus, casual acquaintances cannot betray us as thoroughly and hurtfully as trusted intimates can (Jones & Burdette, 1994). We’re not always hurt by the ones we love, but the ones we love can hurt us in ways that no one else can (Miller, 1997b).

In fact, when our feelings get hurt in everyday life, it’s usually our close friends or romantic partners who cause us distress (Leary & Springer, 2001). Those partners are rarely being intentionally malicious—which is fortu- nate because it’s very painful to believe that our partners intended to hurt us (Vangelisti & Hampel, 2010)—but they often disappoint us anyway. Almost all of us have betrayed someone and have been betrayed by someone else in a close relationship at some time or another.

Because caring and trust are integral aspects of intimacy, this may be sur- prising, but perhaps it shouldn’t be. Most of us are close in some way to more than one person, and when people try to be loyal simultaneously to several different relationships, competing demands are inescapable. And when obliga- tions overlap, occasional violations of the norms in a given relationship may be unavoidable (Baxter et al., 1997). If two of your close friends schedule their weddings in different cities on the same day, for instance, you’ll have to disappoint one of them, even without wanting to. Moreover, we occasionally face competing demands within a given relationship, finding ourselves unable to appropriately honor all of the responsibilities of a caring friend or lover. I once learned that the ex-wife of a good friend was now sleeping with my friend’s best friend. Honesty and openness required that I inform my friend of his other friend’s—and, arguably, his ex-wife’s—betrayal. However, caring and compassion suggested that he not be burdened with painful, embarrassing news he could do nothing about. It was a no-win situation. Seeking to protect my friend’s feelings, I decided not to tell him about his other friend’s betrayal—but a few months later, when he learned the truth (and real- ized that I had known), he was hurt and disap- pointed that I had kept such a secret from him. Perceived betrayals sometimes occur when people have the best intentions but simply cannot honor all of the overlapping and competing demands that intimacy and interdependency may make (Peetz & Kammrath, 2011).

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Individual Differences in Betrayal

Nevertheless, some of us betray our partners more often than others do. Using the Interpersonal Betrayal Scale in Table 10.2, Warren Jones found that betrayal is more frequent among college students majoring in the social sciences, edu- cation, business, and the humanities than among those studying the physical sciences, engineering, and other technical fields (Jones & Burdette, 1994). Off- campus, betrayal is less frequent among those who are older, better educated, and religious. More importantly, those who report repeated betrayals of others tend to be unhappy and maladjusted. Betrayers tend to be resentful, vengeful, and suspicious people. They’re prone to jealousy and cynicism, have a higher incidence of psychiatric problems, and are more likely than others to come from broken homes. Overall, betrayers do not trust others much, perhaps because they wrongly attribute to others the same motives they recognize in themselves (Couch & Jones, 1997).

Men and women do not differ in their tendencies to betray others, but they do differ in the targets of their most frequent betrayals (Jones & Burdette, 1994). Men are more likely than women to betray their romantic partners and busi- ness associates, whereas women betray their friends and family members more often than men do. Whether one is at particular risk for betrayal from a man or woman seems to depend on the part one plays in his or her life.

The Two Sides to Every Betrayal

Those who betray their intimate partners usually underestimate the harm they do. As we saw in chapter 4, it’s normal for people to be self-serving when they consider their actions, but when it comes to betrayal, this tendency leads people to excuse and minimize actions that their partners may find quite harmful (Foster & Misra, 2013). Betrayers often consider their behavior to be inconsequential and innocuous, and they are quick to describe mitigating circumstances that vindi- cate their actions (Stillwell et al., 2008). However, their victims rarely share those views. Those who are betrayed routinely judge the transgression to be more severe than the betrayers do (Feeney & Hill, 2006).

These two different perspectives lead to disparate perceptions of the harm that is done. People who are betrayed almost never believe that such events have no effect on their relationships; 93 percent of the time, they feel that a betrayal damages the partnership, leading to lower satisfaction and lingering suspicion and doubt (Jones & Burdette, 1994). In contrast, the perpetrators acknowledge that their behavior was harmful only about half the time. They even think that the relationship has improved as a result of their transgression in one of every five cases. Such judgments are clearly ill- advised. We may feel better believing that our occasional betrayals are rela- tively benign, but it may be smarter to face the facts: Betrayals almost always have negative, and sometimes lasting, effects on a relationship. Indeed, they are routinely the central complaint of spouses seeking therapy or a divorce (Amato & Previti, 2003).

Why Revenge Isn’t Such a Good Idea

When they’ve been wronged, victims of both sexes may feel that they want to get some payback and exact a little revenge (Haden & Hojjat, 2006)—but that’s ordinarily a destructive motive and a bad idea, for several reasons. A first problem with revenge stems from the different perspectives of perpetra- tor and victim, who rarely agree on the amount of retribution that’s just: When victims inflict reciprocal injury that seems to them to be equal to the harm they suffered, their retribution seems excessive to the original perpetrators (who are now the new victims). And if I seem to you to have been meaner to you than you were to me, you then need to hurt me again to balance the scales, and a cycle of vengefulness continues (Stillwell et al., 2008). We also tend to excuse actions of our own that we judge to be blameworthy in others. Self-serving perceptions like these were evident in a remarkable study (Buunk, 1987) of dozens of Dutch couples in which both partners had cheated, having extradyadic sex: Almost everybody thought that their faithlessness had been relatively innocuous and meaningless but that their partner’s infidelity had been a gross betrayal. If it’s okay when I do it but wrong when you do it, revenge is impossible to calibrate so that genuine justice is served.

A second problem is that we routinely expect revenge to be more satisfying than it turns out to be. When you nurse a grudge, rehearsing an injury and plot- ting your revenge, you keep your wounds fresh and delay any healing. As it turns out, those who are given an opportunity for revenge stay distressed and surly longer than those who are wronged but then just have to move on and get over it (Carlsmith et al., 2008). We do ourselves no favors when we prolong an injury by thirsting for revenge. In addition, retaliation is usually fulfilling only when those who have wronged us connect the dots, understand why they’re now being harmed, and see the error of their ways; revenge is actually less satisfying than doing nothing at all when the original perpetrator fails to see that he or she had it coming (Gollwitzer et al., 2011). And how often does your partner say, “Yes, dear, you’re right, I see that I deserved that because of my prior misbehavior”?

Finally, people who are prone to vengeance tend to be pretty sour folks who are high in neuroticism, low in agreeableness, and generally less happy with life than those of us who are less vengeful (McCullough et al., 2001). They’re greedy and manipulative, too, so they’re not a fun bunch (Lee & Ashton, 2012).

So, when partners have been betrayed, they do sometimes take hurtful action by, for instance, destroying old letters and gifts, pursuing other relationships, and defaming their partners to others (Yoshimura, 2007). But spite is costly, both to one’s partnership and to oneself. So, let’s end our look at painful stresses and strains by considering the alternative: the healing process that can help a relationship survive a partner’s wrongdoing.

10.7 FORGIVENESS

If a relationship is to continue to thrive after a painful betrayal, forgiveness may be necessary (McCullough, 2008). Forgiveness is “a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you” (Markman et al., 1994, p. 217). It’s a process in which “harmful conduct is acknowledged” and “the harmed partner extends unde- served mercy” to the one who has misbehaved (Waldron & Kelley, 2008, p. 19). When you forgive someone, you give up your grudge and discard the desire to retaliate; you don’t condone—or forget—a partner’s misbehavior, but you do communicate your “willingness to exit from a potential cycle of abuse and recrimination” (Fincham & Beach, 2002, p. 240). Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that you regain positive feelings toward the offender—getting past your negative feelings and letting go of your ire and antipathy is the key (Fincham & Beach, 2013)—but it does make reconciliation more likely.

It’s not always easy to forgive someone, and it comes more readily to some of us than to others. Attachment style matters: Anxiety about abandonment and avoidance of intimacy both make people less forgiving (Kachadourian et al., 2004). In particular, secure people are more forgiving because they engage in less angry rumination that keeps an injury fresh in their minds (Burnette et al., 2007). Those who are high in agreeableness also forgive others relatively easily (Riek & Mania, 2012), in part because they are better than other peo- ple at separating blame from anger; they can hold wrongdoers responsible for their misbehavior without getting angry and hostile toward them, and that is hard for less agreeable people to do (Meier & Robinson, 2004). Neuroticism impedes forgiveness; people who are prone to negative emotions can some- times maintain grudges for years (Maltby et al., 2008). And finally, self-control promotes forgiveness (Burnette et al., 2014). Those of us who are better able to manage our motives and control our impulses find it easier to set aside a desire for retribution.

Still, no matter who we are, forgiveness comes more readily when some important ingredients exist. The first is genuine, sincere contrition. Victims are more likely to forgive those who betray them when the offenders acknowledge their wrongs, accept responsibility for their actions, offer genuine atonement by expressing shame, regret, and remorse for their misbehavior, and promise better conduct in the future (Ebesu Hubbard et al., 2013; Tabak et al., 2012). Forgive- ness is less likely to occur when excuses are given or when an apology seems insincere (Pansera & La Guardia, 2012). If you have misbehaved and a relation- ship is suffering, you might do well to recognize that your behavior was harm- ful, and apologize—but only if you really mean it (Zechmeister et al., 2004).

A second component to forgiveness is empathy on the part of the victim (Riek & Mania, 2012). People who can take their partners’ perspectives and imagine why they behaved the way they did—and in particular, those who can admit that they’re not perfect, either (Exline et al., 2008)—are much more likely to forgive them than are those in whom empathy is lacking.

Finally, forgiveness is less likely to occur when victims brood about their partners’ transgressions and remain preoccupied with the damage done by their misbehavior (McCullough et al., 2007). We let go of anger and resentment when we forgive someone, but rumination about our hurt or our partners’ flaws tends to keep our umbrage alive, and that makes forgiveness harder to attain (Ysseldyk et al., 2007).

Fortunately, around the world, forgiveness is more likely to occur in close, committed relationships than in those that are less committed (Karremans et al., 2011), because empathy occurs more easily and because the betrayers are more likely to apologize (Ferrara & Levine, 2009). Partners in (what were) satisfying relationships are also more likely to employ lenient, sympathetic attributions that explain the offenders’ misconduct as benevolently as possible, and that, too, make forgiveness more feasible (Friesen et al., 2005).

And importantly, forgiveness can protect the relationships in which it occurs. Retribution rarely gets our partners to reform and behave better, but forgiveness can; when people are forgiven, they often become more repentant and even less likely to repeat the offense (Wallace et al., 2008). Forgiveness also reduces conflict and encourages communication that can decrease declines in satisfaction and commitment (Braithwaite et al., 2011).

But perhaps even more significantly, people who are able to forgive their inti- mate partners usually enjoy more personal well-being—that is, more self-esteem, less hostility, less distress and tension, and more satisfaction with life—than do those from whom forgiveness is less forthcoming (Hojjat & Ayotte, 2013). They also enjoy better physical health (Lawler-Row et al., 2011). Forgiveness reduces our hurt and pain, replacing anger with equanimity, whereas vengefulness increases our blood pressure, forgiveness reduces it (Hannon et al., 2012). There’s no question that, within intimate relationships, forgiveness is more desirable and beneficial to those who wield it than is vengeance.

Forgiveness has its limits. It won’t transform a selfish scoundrel into a worthy partner, and no one is suggesting that you doggedly continue to for- give a faithless partner who repeatedly takes advantage of you. Forgiveness that is offered in the absence of genuine contrition may be perceived to be a license to offend again; after all, why should I behave better if I’m certain to be forgiven no matter what I do? Forgiveness is advantageous when a partner misbehaves rarely and deserves to be forgiven, but it can actually be detrimental, eroding your self-respect (Luchies et al., 2011) and delaying any resolution to your problems (McNulty, 2011) when your partner is unre- pentant. In one study, forgiveness was associated with higher marital satis- faction when spouses rarely misbehaved, but it was associated with lower satisfaction when one’s spouse was frequently disrespectful (McNulty & Fincham, 2012).

So, forgiveness is good for us and our relationships—when our partners and our relationships are worthy of it. When in doubt, choose forgiveness. The stakes are higher in intimate partnerships. It’s more painful when our partners misbehave, but there’s more reason to work to repair any damage that is done. Intimacy does open the door to excruciating costs, but it also offers the poten- tial for invaluable, irreplaceable rewards.

10.8 FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

When Ann returned from her business trip, she described her weekend as pretty dull and uneventful, so Paul was surprised when he found pictures on her phone of a raucous dinner at which she and some guys had obviously been drinking and carrying on. A selfie of her sitting at a table beaming with plea- sure as two good-looking men hugged her and kissed her cheeks really rattled him. Stung and unhappy, he became sullen and distant. He started giving her the cold shoulder and began to ponder how to “pay her back.” Ann knew that she had been too flirtatious, but she was secretly titillated by one of the guys in the picture who was now e-mailing her with veiled suggestions about their next meeting. In addition, Ann wasn’t sure what Paul knew or suspected, but she was beginning to resent his petulance.

Having read this chapter, what do you think the future holds for Ann and Paul? Why?

10.9 CHAPTER SUMMARY

Hazards are surprisingly common in close relationships.

Perceived Relational Value

We encounter various amounts of acceptance and rejection from others that inform us of our relational value to them. Our perception that they value their relationships with us less than we want them to is a core ingredient of the stresses and strains covered in this chapter.

Hurt Feelings

Drops in perceived relational value cause hurt feelings that leave us psycho- logically wounded and despondent. The hurt caused by social rejection has much in common with physical pain.

Ostracism

People sometimes ignore their partners in order to achieve some goal, but the recipients of such ostracism often resent it. People with high self-esteem tend not to put up with such treatment.

Jealousy

People experience the fear, anger, and hurt of jealousy when they face the potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival.

Two Types of Jealousy. Reactive jealousy occurs when people get jealous in response to a real threat, whereas suspicious jealousy occurs when one’s partner has not misbehaved and one’s suspicions do not fit the facts at hand.

Who’s Prone to Jealousy? Needing someone but worrying that you’re not good enough to keep that person is a recipe for jealousy. Personality traits and attachment styles influence jealousy, too.

Who Gets Us Jealous? Rivals who are attractive to our partners are par- ticularly threatening.

What Gets Us Jealous? Men are more likely than women to consider sex- ual infidelity to be more distressing than emotional infidelity. This finding has engendered criticism, but it has also been replicated around the world.

Responses to Jealousy. Attachment styles influence responses to jealousy, and men and women often differ in their responses, too.

Coping Constructively with Jealousy. People who succeed in reducing unwanted jealousy often practice self-reliance and self-bolstering.

Deception and Lying

Deception is intentional behavior that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue.

Lying in Close and Casual Relationships. There’s a lot of lying in every- day life. Lies engender deceiver’s distrust, which leads liars to perceive the recip- ients of their lies as untrustworthy.

Lies and Liars. No single cue always indicates that people are lying. Instead, discrepancies in their nonverbal behavior and statements usually do.

So, How Well Can We Detect a Partner’s Deception? Intimate partners have detailed knowledge of each other, but they also exhibit a truth bias that leads them to assume that their partners are being honest with them. Most lies are not detected at the time they’re proffered.

Betrayal

Betrayals are hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we did not expect such misbehavior.

Individual Differences in Betrayal. Frequent betrayers tend to be unhappy and maladjusted people who are resentful, vengeful, and suspicious of others.

The Two Sides to Every Betrayal. Betrayers often consider their behavior to be inconsequential and innocuous, but their victims rarely share those views.

Why Revenge Isn’t Such a Good Idea. Revenge is usually less satisfying than people think it will be, and it usually seems excessive to its targets, thus engendering further dispute.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness entails giving up the right to retaliate for others’ wrongdo- ing. It occurs more readily when the betrayers apologize and the victims are empathic. Forgiveness usually improves the relationships in which it occurs when one’s partner is repentant.

未完待续，持续更新中

The series continues to be updated...

Chapter 1 The Building Blocks of Relationships （I）【121777】

Chapter 1 The Building Blocks of Relationships （II）【152979】

Chapter 2 Research Methods 【596719】

Chapter 3 Attraction （I）【431743】

Chapter 3 Attraction （II）【213329】

Chapter 4 Social Cognition（I）【607185】

Chapter 4 Social Cognition（II）【388771】

Chapter 5 Communication (I) 【261909】

Chapter 5 Communication (II) 【230707】

Chapter 6 Interdependency 【228653】

Chapter 7 Friendship 【166249】

Chapter 8 Love 【240092】

Chapter 9 Sexuality 【598969】

Chapter 10 Stresses and Strains（I）【511197】

Chapter 10 Stresses and Strains（II）【767379】

Chapter 11 Conflict

Chapter 12 Power and Violence

Chapter 13 The Dissolution and Loss of Relationships

Chapter 14 Maintaining and Repairing Relationships