Intimate

Relationships

Rowland S.Miller

习读专用，不作商用，如侵联删。

C H A P T E R 1 0

Stresses and Strains（II）

Perceived Relational Value ◆ Hurt Feelings ◆ Ostracism

◆ Jealousy ◆ Deception and Lying ◆ Betrayal ◆ Forgiveness

◆ For Your Consideration ◆ Chapter Summary

10.6 BETRAYAL

People don’t always do what we want or expect them to do. Some of the sur- prises our partners spring on us are pleasant ones (Afifi & Metts, 1998), but our partners occasionally do harmful things (or fail to do desirable things) that violate the expectations we hold for close confidants. Such acts are betrayals, disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reason- ably did not expect such treachery. Sexual and emotional infidelity and lying are common examples of betrayal, but any behavior that violates the norms of benevolence, loyalty, respect, and trustworthiness that support intimate rela- tionships may be considered treasonous to some degree. People who reveal secrets about their partners, gossip about them behind their backs, tease in hurtful ways, break important promises, fail to support their partners, spend too much time elsewhere, or simply abandon a relationship can be considered to have betrayed their partners (Fitness, 2012).

All of these actions involve painful drops in perceived relational value. When we are victimized by intimate partners, their betrayals demonstrate that they do not value their relationships with us as much as we had believed, or else, from our point of view, they would not have behaved as they did (Fitness, 2012). The sad irony is that for losses of relational value of this sort to occur, we must have (or think we have) a desired relationship that is injured; thus, casual acquaintances cannot betray us as thoroughly and hurtfully as trusted intimates can (Jones & Burdette, 1994). We’re not always hurt by the ones we love, but the ones we love can hurt us in ways that no one else can (Miller, 1997b).

In fact, when our feelings get hurt in everyday life, it’s usually our close friends or romantic partners who cause us distress (Leary & Springer, 2001). Those partners are rarely being intentionally malicious—which is fortu- nate because it’s very painful to believe that our partners intended to hurt us (Vangelisti & Hampel, 2010)—but they often disappoint us anyway. Almost all of us have betrayed someone and have been betrayed by someone else in a close relationship at some time or another.

Because caring and trust are integral aspects of intimacy, this may be sur- prising, but perhaps it shouldn’t be. Most of us are close in some way to more than one person, and when people try to be loyal simultaneously to several different relationships, competing demands are inescapable. And when obliga- tions overlap, occasional violations of the norms in a given relationship may be unavoidable (Baxter et al., 1997). If two of your close friends schedule their weddings in different cities on the same day, for instance, you’ll have to disappoint one of them, even without wanting to. Moreover, we occasionally face competing demands within a given relationship, finding ourselves unable to appropriately honor all of the responsibilities of a caring friend or lover. I once learned that the ex-wife of a good friend was now sleeping with my friend’s best friend. Honesty and openness required that I inform my friend of his other friend’s—and, arguably, his ex-wife’s—betrayal. However, caring and compassion suggested that he not be burdened with painful, embarrassing news he could do nothing about. It was a no-win situation. Seeking to protect my friend’s feelings, I decided not to tell him about his other friend’s betrayal—but a few months later, when he learned the truth (and real- ized that I had known), he was hurt and disap- pointed that I had kept such a secret from him. Perceived betrayals sometimes occur when people have the best intentions but simply cannot honor all of the overlapping and competing demands that intimacy and interdependency may make (Peetz & Kammrath, 2011).