CHAPTER FOUR: Identifying and Expressing Feelings
Our repertoire of words for calling people names is often larger than our vocabulary of words that allow us to clearly describe our emotional states. I went through twenty-one years of American schools and can’t recall anyone in all that time ever asking me how I felt. Feelings were simply not considered important. What was value was "the right way to think"—as defined by those who held positions of rank and authority. We are trained to be "other-directed" rather than to be in contact with ourselves. We learn to be "up in our head" wondering, "What is it that others think is right for me to say and do?"
相比形容感受的词汇数量，我们用来评论他人的词汇通常要多得多。我在美国学校学了21年，却想不起有什么人问过我的感受。人们认为感受是无关紧要的，重要的是各种权威主张的“正确思想”。于是，我们被鼓励服从权威而非倾听自己。渐渐地，我们习惯于考虑：“人们期待我怎么做？”
A common confusion generated by the English language is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, "I feel I didn't get a fair deal," the words "I feel" could be more accurately replaced with "I think." In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:
我们的语言习惯时常会引发这样一个混淆，在使用“觉得/感到/感觉”这类词时，我们实际上并没有在表达感受。例如，在“我觉得没有得到公平对待”这句话中，将“我觉得”换成“我认为”也许更恰当。在以下例子中，说话者在使用“觉得”时都并未准确地表达自己的感受。
a) words such as that, like, as if:
“I feel that you should know better.”
“I feel like a failure.”
“I feel as if I'm living with a wall.”
b) the pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it:
“I feel I am constantly on call.”
“I feel it is useless.”
c) names or nouns referring to people:
“I feel Amy has been pretty responsible.”
“I feel my boss is being manipulative.”
a)同时使用“就像”“好似”类的词
“我觉得你应该更懂事”
“我觉得自己像个失败者”
“我觉得好像在和一堵墙生活”
b)同时使用代词
“我觉得自己一直在被使唤”
“我觉得这样做没用”
c)同时使用人称
“我觉得艾米挺负责的”
“我觉得我的领导爱控制人”
Conversely, in the English language, it is not necessary at all to use the word feel when we are actually expressing a feeling: we can say "I'm feeling irritated," or simply, "I'm irritated."
In NVC, we distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are.