CHAPTER 19 How to Take Your Relationship to the Next Level

“But, Mel. . . they are giving me the attention I deserve. I know they like me because they have told me. . . and they are acting in all the right ways. . . except for the most important one. They just don't want to commit to me.”

This is really common, and it can show up in a number of ways: Maybe they don't want to put a “label” on it, be exclusive, officially be in a relationship, move in together, get engaged, or get married.

First, you have to ask yourself, Is this a pattern of mine to chase people who won't commit? Or is this just an issue with this one person? I am going to tackle these topics separately, because they are two different issues.

If You're Always Picking the Wrong People

If you are always finding yourself trying to date the person who is unavailable or can't commit, chances are it is not as coincidental as you think. You are probably attracted to people who you think you can change or win over, or who are unavailable because they are with someone else or just emotionally unavailable.

Ask yourself: Are you dating people who never commit? Are you the girlfriend before they meet their wife? Are you dating people you don't fully trust? Are you dating people who are jealous or controlling? Do you keep sleeping with people hoping it turns into something? Are you dating people who have serious struggles whom you want to rescue? Are you dating people who cheat on you or that you meet by cheating? When your relationships ultimately blow up, do you tell your friends they were the “crazy” one?

If any of these things ring true, it's time for honesty: You love the chase. This is your pattern and it's a problem. The relationship is largely happening as a fantasy in your own mind, because you live in the potential of what could be, not in the reality of what is.

This pattern in your life will repeat unless you break it. Research shows that people subconsciously pick the same type of person to chase time and time again based on previous relationships and childhood experiences.

A study from the University of Alberta shows that after the initial “honeymoon phase,” a new relationship tends to follow the exact same dynamic patterns of old relationships. The eight-year study showed that people tend to repeat patterns, bring the same dynamics to new experiences, and avoid addressing their own issues. . . which, in turn, create the exact same broken relationship dynamics over and over.

If this is ringing true for you, you should really go talk to a therapist about your past, and get to the root of your issues—because they are not going to be solved by being in a relationship with someone else. In fact, if you chase another relationship, you will just keep chasing healthy love away.

Another relationship is not the answer. In fact another relationship right now is just going to make the problem worse.

You need to be single.