CHAPTER 10  How to Make Comparison Your Teacher

You just learned about the first type of comparison, which feels like self-torture. Now let's talk about the second type: comparison that is teaching you something. And here's how you know that comparison is good: You're looking at aspects of someone else's life or success that you could create for yourself.

With time and consistent effort, these aspects of your life, career, or health could be changed.

The list of things you could change is endless: from your job, to creating a better friend group, to finding your purpose, to spending more time with your kids, to vacations, to creating financial freedom; getting up earlier, finding and creating the greatest love story of your life, being an amazing cook, or getting in the best shape of your life; buying a huge ring, a fancy watch, or a sports car; renovating your kitchen, building a second home, creating a better relationship with your stepparents, developing healthier habits, writing a book, healing your trauma, gaining more social media followers, having better boundaries and more time for yourself, launching a business, or developing a better reputation.

I wrote a long list on purpose. The fact is, 95 percent of the things that you want in life are things that you can create if you are willing to work hard, be consistent and disciplined and patient. Very little about your life is fixed in stone.

If someone has done something better, and bigger, and cooler than you could ever imagine, Let Them. Let Them have their success. Let Them beat you to it. Let Them do it in the smartest and the coolest way. Their success gives you the formula. Remember my story about not posting on social media? Whatever it is that you want, someone else can give you the formula. Let Them lead the way.

For most of my life, I didn't understand this. If someone achieved what I wanted, I told myself they had beat me to it. I looked at people around me and saw other people's wins as my losses. And when you see other people's wins as your losses, it will make you feel defeated before you even start.

If you're not careful, comparison can become the reason why you doubt yourself, procrastinate, and continue to stay stuck. You're capable of achieving the same success, but instead of working to create it, you're actively arguing against what you want. This is an example of how you've turned other people into a problem, and they don't need to be.

There is enough happiness, success, and money to go around for absolutely everyone including you. It is in limitless supply.

No one is taking anything from you. Happiness, success, and money are waiting for you to get serious about creating them. I will say this again: No one else's wins are your losses. That's why you have to change the way you look at other people's success.

The truth is, there are more than 8 billion people on this planet. If you are looking for evidence that someone else makes more money, has the coolest wardrobe, has the best friend group, went to a more prestigious school, is in the best shape, sold their company, is a New York Times bestselling author, has traveled the world, or quite literally has anything you could ever want. . . you'll find it.

The problem isn't the tendency to compare. The problem is not using comparison to your advantage. Using the Let Them Theory, you will learn how to flip comparison from a major problem in your life into your greatest teacher.

They've Always Been Your Teacher

Recently I was talking with a friend of mine named Molly. Molly is an extremely talented interior designer. She has built a successful business, has a number of employees, and does beautiful work for her clients.

The last few times that she and I have connected, she always asked me for advice about social media, asking questions like, “Mel, how can I get myself out there? I know I need to be doing more on social media, and doing a better job marketing my business and work online, but I don't know where to start.”

For every business, there's a formula, so I gave her a simple list of things she could do: Start posting every day. Create videos explaining your projects. Post before-and-after photos. Hire an intern that creates a library of short videos for you. Take a free online course to learn more about the social media platforms, and pick one to focus on.

Just like in the example I gave you earlier, from when I wanted to build my speaking business years ago, the steps you need to take are always very simple. The problem is not doing them.

Molly called me the other day, and immediately I could tell something was off. “Molly, you don't sound like yourself. Is everything okay with the kids?”

She said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kids are fine. I'm not.”

And I said, “What happened?”

She said, “Well, I saw something the other night that sent me into a spiral. And I've been freaking out ever since.”

And so I'm listening and I'm thinking, What the heck could have happened? My gosh. This is really serious.

It turns out that there is someone in Molly's neighborhood that she's known for a long time. She is not exactly Molly's favorite person—you know, the kind of person who is always drawing attention to themselves and just rubs you the wrong way. The energy between them has never clicked.

This person has no interior design experience or background. And now, they've gotten into the “design” business, started posting on social media, and suddenly their posts are blowing up. This person is getting thousands of likes on her posts, and what really burns Molly up is that everyone in the neighborhood is now talking about how “talented” this other woman is.