Motivating Other People to Change

CHAPTER 14 People Only Change When They Feel Like It

One of the most common questions that has been asked over the years is: “How do I motivate someone else to change?”

You can't.

The reality is, people only change when they feel like changing. It doesn't matter how much you want someone to change. It doesn't matter how valid your reasons are. Or that you are right in your opinion that they should change. Or how big the consequences are if they don't change. If someone doesn't feel like changing, they won't. And worse, when you pressure someone to change it just creates more tension, resentment, and distance in your relationships. I'll prove it to you.

I want you to think about someone in your life whom you care about and you wish would change. It could be anyone: your mom, your niece, your roommate, your brother, your husband, your ex, your kids, your sister-in-law, your best friend, your partner. Anyone.

You wish they would get a better job, lose weight, be more motivated, wake up earlier, stick to a budget, pick up after themselves, stop dating losers, be more proactive, drink less, help take care of the dog, stop being so negative, change their views on politics, be more appreciative, stop smoking, be more involved with their kids, or stop leaving their dishes in the sink.

You may worry about them. You may not understand why they don't see that this is an issue or why they aren't motivated. You've probably thought, Why can't they just do this thing I am asking of them?! I know exactly how you feel.

Here's the truth: When you push someone, it only makes the person push back. You're working against the fundamental law of human nature. People need to feel in control of their decisions. You want people in your life to change, but pressuring them creates resistance to it.

You may be acting with the best of intentions, but it is yielding the worst result. That's because every time you fight against human nature you will lose.

Using the Let Them Theory, you'll learn an entirely new approach to dealing with situations where you want someone else to change their behavior. It's true: You can't make someone else change. But I never said you couldn't influence them.

As I share examples from my life and walk you step-by-step through how to use the Let Them Theory to influence someone else to change, I want you to keep your relationships and the people who are frustrating you in mind.

Wishing Someone Would Change

“I wish you would take better care of yourself.”

A good friend of mine is married to (and deeply in love with) a guy who needs to get healthier. Maybe you're in this situation with someone you love too. Over the years, she's tried everything to get her husband to take control of his health.

She's asked, pleaded, hinted, and even occasionally broken down in tears about it in front of him. It worries her. . . a LOT.

She's gotten angry with him and made passive-aggressive comments. She's signed him up for gym memberships. She's bought him new sneakers. She's cooked the healthy dinners. And she even got them a Peloton to work out on at home.

Nothing's worked. At this point, everything makes her mad. Whether it is his order off the menu, his resistance to working out, his post-dinner desserts, or the hours he spends watching television every night, it doesn't matter what the poor guy does—it frustrates the hell out of her.

Now, to his credit, he's tried. He's started diets, he's gone to the gym in spurts, and he's even taken some Peloton classes—but nothing lasts, and so he and his wife remain in this deadlock with each other about his health.

She's mad he won't change, and he's annoyed that she won't stop nagging him. Sound familiar? It does to me.

And I'm sure it does to you as well, as you think about the person in your life you wish would change for the better.

I know you want the best for them. That's why you want them to change. You love them. That's why you're stressed about this situation.

It's why you want them to get healthier. Get a better job. Study harder. Go to therapy. To move on after a divorce and start dating again. Or just get out of the house and spend more time with their friends.

Wanting someone you love to change for the better, and to be happier and healthier, is normal. It's a good thing to want someone to live a good life. It's a beautiful thing to see a bigger possibility for someone you love. It's an important thing to believe in someone's ability to improve their life, reach their potential, and achieve their goals.

The issue isn't wanting this for someone else. The issue is how you've been approaching this topic and how it's impacting the dynamic between you and the person you care about.

Or maybe as you're reading this, you're realizing that someone has been pressuring YOU to change. They don't even need to say something to you about your job, or your habits, or who you are dating, because their behavior makes it very clear that they don't accept you as you are right now.

They want you to be living your life in a different way. It's annoying. I know it is. And your natural inclination is to push back.

The Let Them Theory has challenged me to think a lot about this knee-jerk reaction to pressure people (and their innate reaction to resist), and why it's hard for anyone to change.