CHAPTER 15 Unlock the Power of Your Influence

When you stop trying to pressure people to change and Let Them be, something magical happens. You now have time and energy to unlock the power of your positive influence.

People are social creatures that are highly influenced and inspired by the people around them. This has been proven over and over by decades of research on human behavior. This is why when you see someone online gushing about a protein powder, or a new style of jeans, or a pro golfer holding up a club that “improved their golf game,” you suddenly feel yourself wanting to buy it.

If you see something working positively for someone else, it often makes you feel interested in it too. Whether you realize it's happening or not, when someone else is either having a lot of fun, or getting the results you want, or making something look easy and pleasurable, you are hardwired to move toward it. It's why when you hear a friend raving about a book, you naturally want to read it.

If someone starts eating a crisp, red apple on the train, research shows people around them start craving one too. If a co-worker starts taking a walk outside at lunch—you're more likely to suddenly feel like going for a walk at lunch too.

The reason why influence works is backed by decades of research on human behavior. We are social creatures and are highly influenced and inspired by the people around us. Dr. Sharot calls it “social contagion,” which is a fancy way to say that people's behavior is contagious.

Using this with people in your life is very simple: Model the behavior change you want to see and walk the talk you've been asking for. If you have ANY shot at influencing them to move toward the behavior or change you want them to make, you need to show them how easy it is. You can't ask someone else to eat healthier while you're raving about the croissant you just ate. But you can influence them if you're always eating healthy meals yourself and raving about how good it tastes.

You can't ask someone to stop looking at their phone when you've got your phone in your hand. But you can influence them by keeping your phone in a different room and modeling better boundaries with your devices.

Model the behavior you want to see. What I love about this research is that it's a sneaky way to get someone else to change and believe it was their idea.

Let's just take the example of the co-worker who goes on a walk every day. If you see someone else do that every day for a few weeks, it starts to influence you subconsciously. You watch them leave every day at lunch, you watch them come back after their walk, and they are in a better mood, and have more energy, and they are smiling. And then you see it happen again the next day when, as they walk out the door, you're sitting at your desk, shoving a sandwich in your mouth, working through your lunch break.

A half an hour later, they walk back in, looking refreshed, energized, and happy. Their example influences you even though you're not consciously thinking about it. And guess what happens if you see this over and over, and they seem to enjoy it? All of a sudden one day, you look outside, you see it's a beautiful day, and you suddenly feel like going for a walk during your lunch break, instead of working through lunch like you usually do.

Here's what I love about the power of influence: As you head out the door for your walk, you think this was your idea. Nope. It was the influence of your co-worker working its magic on your brain. And they weren't even trying to do so! They were just going for a walk and enjoying it. Makes sense, doesn't it?

That's the power of your influence, and you can use this research to inspire anyone in your life to change. Here's how:

First, Let Them be.

Stop pressuring them to change. Accept that you can't control their behavior or actions. Adults only do what they feel like doing. Your job is to accept them for who they are and where they are.

Let Them be. Then, Let Me.

Use Your Influence

Remember, the power is in your influence. That means focus on what you can control: your behavior. Model change and make it look fun and easy.

Dr. Sharot's research shows that your influence is highly effective, but it requires a lot of patience because it will take time for your positive influence to take effect in someone else's brain.

So you're going to need to say Let Them a lot as you just focus on your own behavior and your attitude about it. It's important to do this without the expectation that they will change. The reason why you have to give up your expectations is that if you do this expecting them to change, you'll start to resent them when they don't.

Focus on yourself, model the behavior and the positive attitude because it works for you, and hold out the hope that the magic of your influence will work on them. Be prepared to give it six months or more. I know what you're thinking.

Six months?!

Yes. Six months. It could absolutely take six months or more of you going to the gym, making it look easy, and seeing incredible results with your influence to make the person in your life suddenly feel motivated to exercise for themselves. If you don't want to wait that long, or if you're already in a very frustrating standoff with someone that you care about, it's time for advanced techniques in the science of influence.

The ABC Loop

The ABC Loop is a tool that I've created, based on combining the best of what experts say will work, and I've put it into a simple formula that you can follow with anyone in your life.

In the ABC Loop, you have three steps:

A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions.

B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR.

C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model the CHANGE.

Let's take each of these three steps, one by one, and show you exactly what to do and explain with science and the Let Them Theory why this works.

1. The Ground Rules: Using the ABC Loop

If you want to use advanced techniques, you've got to be willing to do a little preparation.

The ABC Loop begins with a conversation that follows a proven, scientific technique. This conversation is very different from any of the conversations you have had about this issue in the past. You're going to follow a research-backed method that is used by medical professionals in clinical settings. To ensure that this conversation is successful, you need to take it seriously, and do the prep work before you have it.