Helping Someone Who Is Struggling

CHAPTER 16 The More You Rescue, The More They Sink

I know what you may be thinking: Let adults be adults? But what if the person I'm trying to change is in serious trouble? What am I supposed to do, just let them spiral? Let them drink and drive?

Of course not.

If someone is doing something dangerous or self-destructive, you don't just Let Them. You step in, take the keys, or do whatever is necessary to help because your response might just save their life—whether that's calling for help, or calling the police, or driving them to detox, or staying with them through a crisis until they are in a safe place.

The problem is that most people who are struggling hide it from you. They are not doing drugs in front of you; they are lying to you about it. They're putting on a brave face at work but secretly struggling with depression.

Part of the challenge with people who are struggling is not knowing the extent to which they have been, until it's really serious or it's too late. And, I guarantee you, there is at least one person in your life who is struggling immensely and you have no idea.

When people are struggling, they have a lot of shame and are often in denial about it. They already feel like a burden and often tell themselves they are letting everyone down. Which is why people often don't ask for help or open up about what is going on.

Watching someone you love struggle with their mental health, crippling grief, or an addiction is one of the hardest experiences you will face in life. And an even harder truth is: Not everyone is ready to get better, be sober, do the work, use their tools, or face their issues. And not everybody can.

As much as you may love someone and believe in them and would do anything in the world to make their pain go away, you cannot want someone else's sobriety, healing, or health more than they do.

In this section of the book, we will unpack how, in your attempt to help, you may unknowingly be preventing other adults from finding their strength to face their struggles. The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to drown in them. Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions is a necessary part of healing. The fact is, adults only get better when they are ready to do the work, and you will be ready way before they are. It sounds harsh, but it's true.

You and I are going to take everything you've learned so far about relationships, friendships, and human nature, and build on it to show you how those truths apply even in the most difficult situations.

You will also learn a brand-new approach to supporting someone through their struggles, which is grounded in the belief that someone can do the work to get better.

But before we jump in, one BIG disclaimer: There is a difference between supporting an adult who is struggling and supporting a child who is struggling. When you are dealing with a child, you are responsible for their emotional, financial, and physical support.

When you are dealing with an adult, you are not.

The Hard Truth About Healing

As you learned, pressuring someone to change creates resistance to changing, and your frustration and judgment are only going to make the situation with someone struggling worse. The higher the stakes, the more shame and paralysis the other person feels.

People only heal when they are ready. And if they haven't, it's because they aren't ready. When someone you love is going through an internal struggle, they will not get better for you, their kids, or their family. They have to want to get better for themselves.

You may not understand it. You may think you would act differently if you were in the same situation. None of that matters. All of your opinions are judgment. And your judgment of the other person and what you think they should do is part of the problem, because it translates to pressure.

You need an outlet for your judgment—a therapist, a friend—because it won't help to aim it at the other person. In times of struggle, what the other person needs is acceptance. Let Them struggle.