CHAPTER 17 How to Provide Support the Right Way

Since there were so many questions about HOW to effectively balance supporting someone without rescuing them, I want to share a very specific suggestion almost every expert I spoke with raised.

When you are supporting an adult who is struggling, one of the biggest levers you have to pull is what you will spend money for and what you will not.

If you are giving financial support to someone in an attempt to help them through a hard time, you better be very clear about the conditions upon which you are giving that support.

If you give money without conditions, it will lead to massive resentment on your end. The money is not a gift. And unconditional love does not mean unconditional financial support.

Often unconditional love means withdrawing financial support. This is very hard, especially for parents of adult children who are struggling, and it's often the very last lever that is pulled.

There is this term in recovery called rock bottom. We tend to talk about rock bottom moments related to the person who is struggling. But what we don't talk about enough, is that you, as the loved one, will have a rock bottom moment too.

It happens when you've “tried everything.” Nothing is working. You are suffering. And then it hits you: There is one thing I haven't tried: I haven't stopped subsidizing their life. At some point, you'll realize that by paying someone's rent, bills, tuition, or giving them a place to live without any conditions, you are enabling their self-destructive behavior.

Remember what Dr. Waldinger said? “Don't shield them from the consequences of what they choose.” At some point, you're going to decide to stop subsidizing someone's life, who refuses to do the work or get the professional help they need to get better.

Dr. Waldinger, and every other expert I spoke to, was adamant about this point: You owe people love, acceptance, and compassion. You do not owe them money. Because if you're funding any aspect of someone's life while they continue to refuse treatment, or won't get a job, or don't attend classes, or continue to lie or steal or be engaged in shady, avoidant behavior—you are part of the problem. Money without condition is enabling.

But providing money with specific conditions is support, and it can look like this: You can live here, if you're sober. I'll pay for therapy, as long as you and your therapist agree to a monthly check in with me. I'll pay for tuition as long as you get a 3.0. I'll pay your rent, phone bill, and car payments if you go to inpatient treatment for your eating disorder.

The hardest part is what happens when they don't agree to the conditions. Because if they refuse to go to inpatient facilities or refuse to get a job, you're going to have to take away all financial support, which means you stop paying their rent or kick them out of the house.

And I mean all financial support. They are not on your phone bill. You are not paying their rent. You're not giving them logins for your streaming accounts. You're not buying their groceries or paying for their Ubers. And yes, you may have provided a guarantee on the lease for their apartment. You are going to have to be willing to have that hit your credit.

They are going to hate you. They will likely spiral in the beginning. But when they refuse to honor the conditions upon which your support was given, you must be the adult. I am shocked at the number of parents who are asking about adult children who are struggling, whom they are financially supporting.

Let Them struggle. Let Them violate the terms of your support. And then, Let Me cut them off financially.