CHAPTER 20  How Every Ending Is a Beautiful Beginning

One topic that kept coming up when I was researching this book was how to know when the issues you are facing in a relationship are something that you can resolve versus something that you need to accept.

When is overthinking, frustration, and bickering normal, and when is it a sign that something is broken? When should I just Let Them be versus admitting the painful truth that this relationship is no longer working for me?

Having been married for almost 30 years, I can tell you that mutual give and take and compromise are critical to a successful relationship. No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect, and every relationship changes with time.

In a long-term partnership, there will be periods in your relationship that are amazing, and there will be times that are extremely difficult. But every couple that has made a relationship work has had two important things present:

First, they both wanted the relationship to work. And they were both willing to do the work to make it better. Second, the issues that created problems did not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

So if you're sitting here wondering if you're in the right relationship, that's a good thing because it means you want to be with somebody that is going to bring out the best in you, and who will work with you to create a good life.

One of the hardest things that I've experienced is being with someone who is a really good person, and knowing deep down that they are not the right person for me.

Or, in a couple cases, being with a really good person and knowing that I was in the wrong place mentally and not the right person for them—in fact, I had no business being in a relationship at all. (I am thinking about the apologies I've made to my college and law school boyfriends. I was in a horrible place mentally in my 20s, and boy did I behave in ways I deeply regret.)

Admitting that a relationship is not working is one of the hardest things in the world to do, especially if you're in love with them. Often, it's not that obvious what the issue is. Deep down you just know that underneath the day-to-day, and the familiar routine together, something feels off.

Love the Person, Not Their Potential

Any time you find yourself questioning whether or not this is the right relationship for you, ask yourself: Can you accept this person exactly as they are, and exactly where they are, and still love them?

That means, do you truly love your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, or partner for who they are right now? Or do you love who they once were, or who you wish they would become?

Even if there are specific things that bother you, in the end they might not be deal breakers. They may be things you have to learn to accept, and that's just work you're going to have to do to make this relationship thrive.

Let Them.

For example, maybe you can't stand that they've started vaping, they don't take care of themselves, they are such a slob it is driving you crazy, they don't plan anything, the sex is boring when it happens, they never want to do anything, or they are not interested in moving to a new city or traveling to a new country on vacation.

Can you still love them despite all these things? Because, the reality of it is. . . they may never change. And here is the other thing, they probably won't.

Remember, one of the fundamental takeaways from this book: People only do what they feel like doing. Yes, you can influence them. But if you keep wanting them to change, and they don't, it not only weakens your love. It creates resentment.

What I have noticed with couples is that the longer you are together, the more you want your partner to be like you. That's not fair. So be honest with yourself. Do you just want them to be just like you, or is it that one of your fundamental needs in the relationship is not being met? This is very important because based on the laws of human nature you should assume the person is never going to change.

Let Them be. Instead of sitting there silently resenting them or criticizing them behind their back, be the loving and mature person in the relationship. Either stop trying to make them like you, and accept them as they are, or have the productive and loving conversation about what you need, and why this is bothering you.

Maybe they don't even know you're upset by it, or they don't know how you feel about the issue, or they don't know how important it is to you, or they do know, but you have just created a standoff.

So before you spend another year overthinking and wondering if this is your person, have the conversation, apply the science, and then sit back and wait. You know how to do this using the ABC Loop and the power of your influence:

A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions.

B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR.

C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model the CHANGE.

When you use Let Me to influence someone else, do it with the hope that they change, because you love them and want something better for them, and you want the relationship to work and this matters to you. But don't ever do it with the expectation that they must change.

Because even when you use science to influence someone else, they are still their own person and are in control of what they choose to think, say, and do. Give it at least three months without any negative energy, while you keep modeling the positive change and celebrating anything you see.

Let Them be.

Why three months? It's plenty of time for your energy to shift and for the other person to suddenly feel inspired to make the change and believe it was their idea.

Remember the example of my friend and her husband. This issue of his health had been bothering her for a while, and even though she loves her husband, it's made her wonder if he is the right person for her? Can she be married to someone who doesn't take care of themselves?

So she's been using the Let Them Theory to answer this question. She is letting him be, and meanwhile, she's been going for a walk every morning, she's been positive and happy, she's been complimenting him and hugging him, and she's been very affectionate whenever he exercises.

And now she has to wait. One of the hardest parts about waiting, and just letting them be, is that moment when your loved ones complain about the natural consequences of their behavior.

Like how much money they have spent on vaping. (But they are still vaping). Or how much they hate their job. (But they haven't looked for a new one). Or how depressed they feel. (But they refuse to go to therapy.)

My friend shared that her husband was complaining the other day that he was so winded during pickleball that he had to step out of the game with his friends.

When that happens, your tendency is to want to reassure someone. Don't do it. Let their complaint hang in the air. Don't respond.

Let Them sit with it. Say nothing. Let Them experience their feelings. Let the silence do the work for you. Let Them feel the consequences of their actions. Let Them.

And then, Let Me use science. Ask them an open-ended question. “It sounds like it bothers you?” “Is there anything you want to do about it?”

As you've already learned from Dr. K, these open-ended questions are what researchers call motivational interviewing. It makes your partner reflect on the conflict between what they truly want to change in their life and their current behavior, and what they don't.

The Deal Breaker Decision

But. . . what happens if you follow the ABC Loop, and you wait patiently for three months, and nothing changes?

It means that your partner doesn't feel like changing. Their behavior tells you that. So, you have a choice. Because you always have power if you focus on your response. You've followed ABC. Now it's time for you to move to the next two parts: D and E.

THE ABC (DE) LOOP

Step D: DECIDE if this is a DEAL BREAKER or not.

If after three months, the person hasn't changed or hasn't tried to change, assume they aren't going to. And, I'm sorry that I have to be the one to tell you this, but they're not ready. They don't want to do it. Doing it for you is not enough. It's not a priority of theirs, or maybe there is something deeper going on, and they are not capable of changing.

Or maybe they are just the way they are, and that's okay. Their behavior is their answer and they have made it clear.

Let Them. Not everyone wants to change. Sometimes in life, the most loving thing you can do is to stop fixing, start accepting, be more loving, and focus on what you can control.