CHAPTER 6 How to Love Difficult People

In my opinion, it's easier to use the Let Them Theory with strangers, co-workers, and even friends, because you will likely have a little distance from them to recharge after using it. You can walk into your bedroom and shut the door. You can go home after work. You can walk off the plane.

And most of the time, you won't even know about it when someone is thinking something negative about you. Family, though? Family hits different. Family is with you for life.

Your family tends to be a lot more blunt and in your face with their opinions: They are mad that you aren't coming home for the holidays. They constantly question why you are still single. They think you've ruined your life by dropping out of school. They hate your friend group. They disagree with how you are living your life. They make it clear they don't like who you're dating. They don't want you to quit your job to start that business. They wish you would take better care of yourself and they are very vocal about it.

Family tends to be a lot harsher to your face because they have a stake in your happiness and your success. A lot of the time when your family cares, they show it by pushing you. When they don't like your friends, or they think you're headed down the wrong path, or they wish that you would take better care of yourself, they let you know it.

Most of the time, it's how your family shows you that they care. They want more for you, they want you to be happy and they see all your potential when it's going to waste. However, it can very easily cross the line from caring to control.

Family has had opinions about you since you were born. They have known you the longest. They feel entitled to their opinions because they think they know what's best for you. (Which is typically also what feels best for them.)

Plus, everyone in your family has expectations about each other and the way the family should operate. These familial relationships cut deeper than the rest because you have known them for a long time—and these relationships form an interconnected system. Which also explains why your family tends to react more dramatically to any change you make—because you are part of that family system. Any change you make will send either positive or negative waves through the entire system.

Knowing that people will have a reaction because you're part of an interlocked web of relationships that has been in place for generations can help you navigate this better.

I'm not saying that those expectations or that system is right. I'm just saying that it's the reality. And I find understanding the larger context of any situation helps me stay in control of how I show up in my family.

For example, if you decide to get a divorce from your spouse, or you no longer want to follow the same traditions, or you marry someone outside your religion, or you pursue a unique career path, or you have different political beliefs, this will send shock waves through the entire family system because it disrupts everybody's expectations and beliefs about who you are and how you should live your life.

Nowhere is this more apparent than when the dynamics of stepchildren and stepparents get added to the interlocked web. This is a major shock to the family system and can either make or break it, for better or for worse. All expectations for how the household runs when new individuals are introduced are thrown out the window. Change can be really hard to accept. Especially for the kids who are being forced to just accept this change and operate as one big happy blended family.

The Let Them Theory will be a game-changer in helping you navigate your role as a stepparent. As the adult, it's your responsibility to Let Them grieve. Let Them see you (and your kids) as a threat, because no matter how good your intentions are, you are a threat. They have to compete with you for time with the parent. It's true. They are seeking control, just like you are. Let Them feel their emotions. Let Them have time alone with their parent. If they don't have to like you. Let Them.

Don't ever forget that stepchildren, in particular, need understanding, grace, and compassion from you. They aren't just learning to accept a new adult in their life; they are also grieving the loss of the family they wanted. This is NORMAL.

Understanding the larger context, will help you focus on the Let Me part and operate with more grace and be the wise and compassionate adult. The more grace and kindness you display, the more space you create for a change in the dynamic to happen.

These dynamics between stepchildren and stepparents are hard. There is nothing seamless about them. But they also have the potential to be a lot more beautiful with the help of the Let Them Theory and a specific tool you're about to learn in this chapter.

I once heard a therapist say at a conference, "If it weren't for families, I wouldn't have a business." When it comes to family, your relatives are entitled to their opinions, but that's different from them rejecting your right to live your life, be your own person, and love who you choose to love. Whether their opinions are right or not is not the point. It's how you relate to their opinions that matters.

So, what happens when your loved ones don't agree with the way you are living your life or who you are as a person? I can relate. Here's what you are going to do about it. Let Them.

Don't try to change their opinion. Give them the freedom to have it. Whether it's your stepkids, your sister-in-law, your grandmother, or your brother, they are allowed to think whatever they want. And they are even allowed not to like you or the person you love. So, Let Them. And then, Let Me choose how to respond.